Friday, August 1, 2014

Growing up

I always used to think that growing up meant life would get better, I would accomplish more--I always equated age with an upside down parabola.  What I mean by this is that life was supposed to gradually increase in quality at a steady slope and then at the age of 65ish it would start to decline.  The best part of the slope had to be from 18 to late twenties, it's were it would be evident that the slope really started to gradually increase.  The thing is math--a subject I loved for so long--totally was proved fiction when I started to apply it to life.  You see not only is life completely unpredictable and not at all like any math function, but it just has no 100% certainty.  I believe in statistics as much as the next person, but the thing is outliers exist in this crazy world.  For example, my disabled friends and I have x probability of living into our twenties, with every surgery and illness we have been told it would take x amount of time to heal, the odds are often not in our favor, but the odds can be wrong.  I was always so sure that if I lived to be 18 then life was supposed to get easier, I was supposed to develop a foolproof way to deal with being disabled and take control of my life, spoiler alert: I could not be more wrong!  It's not that life has become more difficult (or maybe to an extent it is), the real problem is that new questions and worries take over the old ones.  It never ends, which is good because I want to be alive, but it's also insanely confusing because it literally makes the struggle very real.  

So in conclusion, life is difficult and it's not a math function by any means, and frankly statistics can only give you so much comfort (or most often in my case: doubt) that it's all just up in the air and that is why we should always live in the now.

Oh just in case you're wondering why I sound so borderline like a crazy analyst, a lot happened in this last year of school that makes me look at the bigger picture and realize I'm immensely thankful and blessed to be alive, but I'm unsure and confused at what's next.  Ali had to quit being my caregiver so she could financially progress into the next stage of her life (which is very exciting since it's marriage!!!), but it makes me feel out of control because caregivers really do not earn enough for the type of work they are doing and I financially cannot afford her to come back (fingers crossed I will eventually).  Secondly, my chair that I have had for 18 years (since I was 4!!!) broke down right before graduation and getting a new one takes several months up to a year.  I guess it's kind of my fault I didn't get a new one sooner, but since it kept working I don't think it would have made a difference to the insurance company and they would have probably denied my request anyway.  Thirdly, I have been applying for jobs and I have had no luck yet and I feel like the government has complete control over me once I do start working because I have already been told that since I receive SSI I'm basically monitored by the government.  Ugh it's like the government that helped keep me alive all these years is now confining me to their system for life.  Sadly, another camper from Camp Promise passed away this year and that's when it all sinks in: what's really worth worrying and being annoyed over when there's a life out there waiting to be lived: it's all about the moments that make it all worthwhile! :)

Adios readers,
Yomara :)

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